From Jackie to John...Godspeed...& ThankYou

Everything in life happens for a reason, cliche maybe,  but I believe it, really believe it ... I think it might be one of the few principles I truly believe in.  As this group of musings grows the examples of how this has become a driving force in my life will be examined but let me start with today.  I arrived to a single patient assignment with the potential for an admission.  How I was chosen for this designation is convoluded including a broken hip...or two...a missed promotion...or two...and assorted scheduling phenomenon that only another critical care nurse, mother of 2, wife of a cop, could understand.  my goal it seemed was to keep my patient stable for transfer to the mothership...It seemed simple enough...until I looked at him.  On first glance that inner screech went off ..the screech that signals "that ain't right" and sounds in my head like one of those cartoon character sudden stops.  15 years of critical care told me that was not going to happen.  Suddenly though it all seemed eerily familiar.  I was about to embark on a life changing day and I knew it...
Jackie had been my first admit, screech, crash, burn and die all in an eight hour shift patient.  She was the kind of patient that HH & I were still trying to send to "the unit"  except ...damn...we were "the unit".  In the months, and yes decade and a half that followed I never forgot her or the lingering self doubt that made me wonder, if I had been a more experienced ICU nurse would her outcome or course been any different? While 15 years taught me that you can't ...and shouldn't save them all, the thought of her young daughter stayed with me.   Today as I watched the events unfold my frustration grew. As I stood in the utility room looking for another piece of equipment that in all reality was going to be as useful as rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic the frustration came flowing out as a reponse to the simple "can I get you something" offer from the charge nurse..."this man is dying right in front of me and there isn't a damn thing I can do"...And so he did. We gave him everything until his wife came to realize what I had known since early that morning, and then we simply gave him peace...what every patient whose quality or quantity of life is about to take a dive deserves.  What that grieving family will never know is that with his passing John gave me a sense of peace...one that was 15 years coming.  And for that I will forever remember and be grateful to him...